You might not agree with this post. But it is unedited, probably biased, and true.

Here I am in Portland.

I decided to come to Portland because some guy named Gabe, who I met at Vilja’s wedding 3 weeks ago for just a short chat, offered me a plane ticket. I know I can trust him because Vilja vouched for him, and I feel good about him – otherwise I’d never come.

Ends up I was right. He’s rad. Not my type really, as far as hooking up – but that’s probably a better thing, since we’re sharing the same apartment a lot. But he’s super fun, really friendly, really energetic and really adventurous. A great travel buddy! The ticket was free and I haven’t spent much more than time – which is precious, but precious because it must be used, not wasted. I think experiencing a new place, culture, and stepping way outside my comfort zone is using time, not wasting it.

It’s just like what my Mom says about money. Good for only 2 things: experiencing things and helping people.

So Gabe is in Portland because his best friend is getting married. And I am here, basically to air-raid these peoples’ lives. I’m staying in the apartment with Rob, the groom, and Gabe, the best man, and Emily, a new dear friend. I hung out with Rob before the wedding, went to the wedding – got teary eyed when I listened to the vows, and gave my all to the dance floor to help Katy keep her guests entertained. I cheered and awed during the speeches, toasted every time, and gave my heartfelt and honest congratulations. I already love these people!

Ends up they’re EXACTLY like my friends at home. Fun, witty, kind, charming. “Apparently”, people inside and outside of the Mormon bubble are quite similar. “Apparently”, we’re all seeds of God, not just the LDS ones. (quotations, to mock the word – I’m not really surprised that these people are so wonderful. Although my ability to relate with them is surprisingly moreso than I had felt it would be.) I’m really starting to fall in love with the humanity that I dropped into. I’m just eating up this story of love that unifies people for a whole lifetime, hopes of loyalty and strength, dreams of never being alone, twinkles in the eyes. I was really loving everything. I absolutely stepped right into the center, right into the heart of this whole narrative. I helped the DJ with songs, brought roses to the hotel room on secret orders from the groom - so that when the happy couple got there the bride would be surprised, cleaned up after the wedding, and started planning their honeymoon with the best man, etc..

Everyone just came over to the house a few minutes ago. I’m thinking “great! I just love these people, let’s chat more. It’s so fascinating to see how similar we all are and to charm the wits out of these people.” P.s. they love me.

And, what?? An hour later, I’m shut up in a room upstairs, writing in my journal. What could have made such a transition?

I feel so sad. I was talking to a group of the beautiful, great, strong women downstairs and they started talking a little more trashy. No prob sir, I have no problem with trashy talk, actually.

And then they talked about how they’d never want children*. That is totally different to me. I was blown away. It really got me thinking because it’s definitely a whole ‘nother level.

I really can’t relate to this at all. I don’t understand how anyone could live a life without the fulfillment of a child. In children there is eternity. Being a mother keeps your light burning. To bring warmth into the world, and to shower it with your love. What could be better than being a mother? What brings more satisfaction? What brings more growth and fulfillment and love? How could you exist knowing that your existence was only for yourself? That’s really the crux of it for me. So what? Am I living for myself? What makes a life when it’s only yours? My greatest joy is always in giving myself, and with a child you are completely theirs.

On this same string, the Reverend yesterday spoke on Katy submitting herself to Rob as he in turn loves her and cares for her. Her submission isn’t power to him, it is a ticket for him to be all the more humble, all the more strong. I thought it was beautiful. It was a perfect explanation of what Christ asks of us in the New Testament and also in the Temple.

I have not heard the end of it. Everyone is still cracking endless jokes about how Katy is to submit to Rob. He opens a wedding gift. It’s a pan, he says “great, now submit to me and make me some eggs.” They reel as they talk about rewinding the film to watch Katy’s eyes pop at the mention of submission in the ceremony. It’s just so hilarious…

I want to submit to my husband. I want to give him everything I am and ever could be. That’s the love I’m looking for. That’s the love that’s eternal. That’s the love that I’m so excited about. What? Stay only me and let him live his life next to mine? Walking hand in hand, two lives that are close, and touch here and there, but never interdependent, never submissive, never one? I want to give everything. Melt myself down into a puddle of me, right into a puddle of him. Burn brighter together 1+1=3. =5, =10million for crying out loud. We are unlocked by another. Our true and perfect potential relies in selflessness, and giving, in charity, which requires another.

I will never understand a world where we have to be so defensive of submission. Submission to children, to a husband, and obviously to God.

I am sad because I am advertising to and for America. But I realize today that I don’t know America. How would you date if you weren’t looking for a companion? What can sex offer if there is no future or vision in it? How can you ever imagine growing old and having no family or children to come visit you? If I could not look back on my life and see my children, when I was old and withered… I cannot even describe the pit that fills my stomach. It is so choking. Imagine the damnation of being alone and never submitting. Not damnation from God – I mean damnation in that your progression is damned, ended. And the hell that you’d then live in. God doesn’t damn us; we damn ourselves – in every way that it’s possible to damn ourselves, the blame is always ours and it’s always our choice and agency that did it.

I sometimes like thinking I’m different, like the Church has made me so different and people will want what I have… because it validates my sentiment that missionary work is so important. But I realize that when I am actually choking down the truth of difference, I hate it. Because it scares me. What will our world become with people who have no real future, limited progression, and only shadows and slivers of love?

I love my kids already. I am proud of them already. I am living for them already. But I am also living for me. The two are one. I had the most fun at the party last night. Everyone commented on how great I was dancing, how much fun I was, how I lit up the party. Strangers told me they just loved me. I did it on purpose because I want to set an example. I was trying to scream to everyone that life can be so good.

I am happy all the time. I have times of sorrow, but there’s still underlying happiness. I might cry, but I am in a state of never-ending happiness. Sound familiar? God our Heavenly Father and Creator cries to Enoch, and cries to Jacob. But in Mosiah we are promised that God lives in a state of never-ending happiness.

That current of satisfaction that fills every vein in me, radiates through me. I can feel it. I am not a physically beautiful person, but I feel beautiful almost all the time. It is the confidence that comes from purpose. We can all be so happy. We can, we can. Rob and Katy seem to have that happiness, and so I was encouraged. I don’t want to be the only one with it. I don’t feel any need for that. I know that it is possible for everyone to have it. But only possible as we live the commandments, because then we understand. It is that understanding that unlocks it. God doesn’t just give happiness to people – He gives commandments to all people and they choose whether or not to listen. In that, they choose how happy they will be. Regardless of circumtance, understanding is what brings joy and He would that we all have that. I am so happy.

I always have been. I always will be. I am on the path of happiness, which is a path of love and progression. The two things we needed to learn more of to become like God in the preexistence. The two things that, alone, comprise the Celestial Kingdom. Those 2 elements in their purity are our eternal destination. They are also the two key characteristics that come with marriage and children. They are the elements of joy.

I will never understand those beautiful women, and it sorrows me so deeply. I am so disconnected and I didn’t even realize it. Am I in the wrong? I am happy and deep. I feel sorrow, pain, agony, and consistent, constant joy. I will admit that I think I am doing ‘it’ right.








*I might add that then she talked about how one of her friends wants a baby and is trying to get pregnant. She was like “I’ll take it for like a month out of the year, I guess”. Well, then I learned that this girl was trying to get pregnant with a man who was married to someone else. The other wife doesn’t know. I don’t know this world.